Introduction

By Harris O’Malley

Dear Doctor NerdLove,

I’m a long-time reader but a first-time questioner. I recently had a lunch date that turned out to be a catfishing scam. After chatting online and establishing what seemed to be mutual connections, I was asked for money for gas just before our meeting. I foolishly complied. On the day of our date, they claimed their car broke down and requested more money for a Lyft, which raised my suspicions. When I pressed for a call or FaceTime, they became defensive. It was evident that it was a scam.

Regrettably, this isn’t the first time I’ve encountered such deceit. I often wonder why my online dating experiences are riddled with bots and scams.

To provide some context, I’m in my late 40s, single, and have not dated extensively. Despite trying to meet people through friends and classes, I haven't had much success. I genuinely want to escape this cycle. Any advice would be appreciated.

– One Scam Too Many

Response to OSTM

I’m sorry to hear about your experiences, OSTM. Unfortunately, scammers are prevalent in every social network, including dating apps. They often exploit various emotional triggers to manipulate users into responding.

First and foremost, it’s essential to forgive yourself for falling for these scams. Many people, including celebrities, have been deceived. It’s natural to want to trust others, especially those you feel a connection with. Being overly cynical might protect you from occasional fraud, but it can lead to loneliness and unhappiness.

However, this doesn’t mean you should be gullible. Reflect on your experiences and consider what they have in common. Sometimes, the common denominator is indeed you, but that should lead to self-reflection, not self-blame. Examine why you trusted these individuals. Did you ignore any red flags? Identifying your vulnerabilities will help you avoid future scams.

Next, let’s discuss some warning signs and strategies to minimize the chances of being deceived again. While no method is foolproof, there are steps you can take to protect yourself.

Be cautious of individuals who seem too perfect. If someone who appears to be your ideal match suddenly shows interest, especially if they are outside your usual social circles, it’s wise to be skeptical. While it’s not impossible for genuine connections to occur, extraordinary claims often require verification.

Scammers typically avoid impersonating well-known personalities, instead opting for attractive individuals who are less recognizable. Also, be wary if their photos appear overly curated or professional. If their images look like magazine spreads, they might not be genuine.

Utilizing reverse image searches can help uncover the truth about profile pictures. Google has features that allow you to check the source of images, which can be your first line of defense. Engaging in casual exchanges, like sharing selfies, can also help verify authenticity, as these are more challenging to fake.

Investigate their digital footprint. Most people have some online presence, even if minimal. If their stories don’t align with their social media activity, it’s a red flag. If they seem evasive about sharing their life details yet are inquisitive about yours, proceed with caution.

If you notice mutual friends, consider reaching out to them for validation, but do so on a different platform to maintain discretion.

Pay attention to how the conversation flows. Genuine responses often reflect engagement, while vague or generic replies can indicate a scammer. You might also test their responses with unrelated or whimsical questions—bots usually falter in such scenarios.

Be alert for excessive drama in their narratives, particularly if it seems aimed at evoking sympathy or justifying a request for money. If someone hints at financial struggles, maintain a friendly demeanor without offering assistance. If they demand money outright, express your policy against lending to friends, which often leads to complications.

Additionally, be cautious of those who express overwhelming affection too soon or request intimate photos without a solid foundation of trust. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with sexting, ensure you know whom you’re sharing personal content with to avoid exploitation.

As a general principle, aim to transition from online chats to in-person meetings swiftly. A brief coffee date can confirm mutual interest and compatibility. If someone is reluctant to meet or video chat, it may be a sign to move on.

Remember, no single indicator guarantees someone is a scammer. Even genuine individuals can exhibit behaviors that raise suspicions. While scammers exist, the majority of people on dating apps are sincere and looking for genuine connections. Maintain a mindset of “trust but verify” to protect yourself while keeping hope alive.

Finally, remember that dating apps should complement your social life, not replace it. Engaging in person is still the best way to meet potential partners, and enhancing your in-person social skills will benefit your online dating success.

Best of luck.