Chapter 1: The Allure of the Princess Fantasy

Have you ever met someone who aspired to be a princess as a child? Or perhaps someone who casually refers to themselves as a princess? In American culture, discussions about princesses are quite prevalent. Disney effectively showcases this enchanting fantasy, skillfully omitting its darker aspects.

The United States is rife with contradictions and hypocrisy. Once heralded as a beacon for the world, this "empire" still clings to various forms of monarchy. Princess-themed toys and role-play are ubiquitous, which is disheartening, considering Americans' historical aversion to royal rule.

Centuries later, however, the echoes of monarchy seem to resonate deeply in the American psyche. Many of our leaders, businesses, and creators mimic royal lifestyles and values, clinging to power while perpetuating oppression and stifling progress. They establish their own realms, relishing the fact that young girls aspire to be princesses. This lack of critical awareness perpetuates the status quo, offering a deceptive sense of hope.

If women remain enamored with superficial fantasies, they might overlook the harsh realities that often accompany such roles. This misguided vision of equality and liberation is presented as aspirational, but the truth is far more complex.

Despite our nation's history of division, economic inequality, and a yearning for freedom, we are governed by a select few. And in this empire, children are still raised to aspire to be "princesses," with these illusory prizes dangled just out of reach.

The traditional image of a princess symbolizes freedom and empowerment, right?

Not quite.

Yet, the princess fantasy continues to thrive as one of our most popular distractions, perpetuated by countless Americans. It remains one of the most inaccurately told tales of our time.

This is infuriating. The absurdity of the princess myth should be discarded. Before we delve into the reasons for this, let’s explore a few interpretations of this fantasy. We will first examine the conventional narrative and then transition into a modernized interpretation.

To illustrate this point, I’ve taken some creative liberties, drawing inspiration from the style of Bill Whakesheare, who graciously encouraged me to provoke thought.

“Just make them think, damn you!” he urged.

“I’ll do my utmost,” I replied.

“So here I stand. (gesturing with open palms).

Dear audience! Consider this formulaic drivel from any standard fairy tale, pause, reflect, and then!

Analyze its message in comparison to the healthy messages we promote for individuals and relationships in our contemporary society!”

Scene I: Inside a castle. A sunlit, high-walled garden filled with vibrant flowers and fluttering birds.

Narrator: “Our story begins as many do.”

(Sweet, idyllic lute music plays softly).

A maiden enters, draped in a flowing scarf and wearing a conical hat—clearly a princess.

Minstrel: “None should be a stranger to love. Love knows no rationale, nor is it rational. Everyone deserves love. Truly. True, mad, deep love.

Behold our princess in love. The princess embodies love.”

She awaits her Prince, who will surely cater to her every desire and never cause her harm. In him, she discovers the ideal love and life, while he finds a compliant partner.

Trumpets sound a jubilant fanfare.

End scene.

Audience member: Aside. “What was that? Does anyone actually believe this anymore?”

Dear reader, let’s discuss this.

Perhaps you, or someone you know, dreamed of being a princess as a child? Did you envision a life of royal treatment? In this fantasy, you would ride off with Prince Charming, eventually becoming a Queen and living the dream life.

Your King would be just and fair. Or maybe you imagined that he would die, leaving you to rule (It’s fine to seek power; you needn’t care about your King, especially if an arranged marriage was your fate).

And just to clarify, this fantasy unfolds as you envision it, not as I depict it (to any aspiring Princess reading this, of course).

How do these stories typically conclude?

“Happily ever after!”

Well, Princess, if that’s your aspiration, it’s time for a re-evaluation.

This princess narrative is outdated and fundamentally misaligned with human progress. Unfortunately, some still find it charming, or in some alternate reality—plausible. We cannot continue to propagate this nonsense if we wish to advance toward true equality and progress for women.

Marketing professionals are frustrated because the old fairy tale concept resonated well in focus groups, with everyone perceiving it as an uplifting tale. However, when it was tested at a local community theater, it faced biting critique. It seems people are beginning to awaken, and frankly, it would be wise to heed their voices.

Apologies, Princess, but it's time to consider another perspective.

If you’ve encountered any of my work or seen me speak, you know I’m no prince. You might offer me the honorary title, which I would graciously refuse. If you’re curious about my reasoning, feel free to inquire, or simply continue reading and make an educated guess.

For this discussion, you may call me a knave, or more fittingly, “Fool.”

As a Fool, I will now share some truths with you, aspiring princesses.

“What wisdom can you share, fool?” you ask.

“My dear ones, history shows that it wasn’t the king’s council who held his ear, but rather his Fool. Fools could convey truths, often cloaked in riddles or humor. They enjoyed a unique freedom of expression, albeit sometimes at a cost. Fools provided wisdom and advice when called upon.

Kings may be remembered in history, yet fools often fade into obscurity, so take heed!

The role of a Fool was precarious, and as a self-proclaimed “certified fool” in the Mick Jagger sense, I will walk this royal tightrope for you today.

Join me now for our revised and modernized princess scene.”

Scene II: The castle interior at Medieval Times. Unlimited soda for all, with napkins replacing palace dogs for cleaning hands. Characters: Fool, Princess, King, assorted courtiers, constable.

The Fool enters, short and stout, with greying hair. His attire is a mismatched array of a dark thrift store jacket, tattered clothing, blue jeans, and colorful socks. He sports pointy shoes and lacks a fool’s hat, as his wild hair stands tall. Bells dangle from his belt loop as he jingles a tambourine.

The Princess sits beside the King, adorned in majestic garb, ready for the jousting festivities. Guards and courtiers stand nearby.

King: (booming voice) “We have gathered here today, dear Groupon members, to celebrate the transition of my beloved princess into adulthood! Let merriment ensue! Fool! Amuse us!”

Fool: (musically) “Princess, your beauty is unquestionable, yet you are not unique… wit and spontaneity, yes, but your position is quite absurd…

(He performs a dance).

King: “What’s this, Fool?”

(The king scowls, glancing at the constable).

Fool: “My liege, I must rework my protest, but can a commoner truly be royalty? Most of us here are commoners, unconnected to your privileged class, nor born to noble lineage.

True royalty is as rare as endangered species in 2023.

Even if some genealogical service claims you’re descended from nobility, you aren’t royal unless you hold the official title of King or Queen. You must be a qualified descendant of historical nobility.

Even our most renowned figures lack true royal status, milady.

(The Fool bows in mock respect, then grimaces).

Tears may flow from Beyoncé, Gaga, and that… Trailer Sparrow. (Aside: “I’d use her real name, but I might get sued, Your Majesty.”) They are not true queens…

(The Fool raises his hands toward the ceiling).

Nor can anyone claim royalty merely through wealth! Melinda Gates isn’t the Queen of anything, although we have some secretive nicknames for Queen Kim Kardashian.

(The Fool points at the Princess).

Fool: “Imposter, I say!”

(The Princess, King, and courtiers look aghast, the crowd gasps in shock).

Fool: “And Princess, you have some unresolved issues with your father!”

Princess: “How dare you, wretched fool! I adore my father! He provides for me!”

Fool: “Indeed, I agree. But do you enjoy being dictated to by your father at every turn? Do you relish his absolute rule and judgment?

What of his bloody sword? His oppressed subjects, his illegitimate offspring, the starving, and the imprisoned free thinkers… how do you reconcile this legacy?”

(The Fool inspects a loose thread on his sleeve).

Courtesan: “THAT IS HER ROYAL LEGACY, YOU FOOL!”

Fool: “If she chooses to accept it, I suppose… Surely the royal robe is fascinating, despite its many blemishes. The richness of fabric, and the privilege of your father’s company, no less.

Princess, tell us about the treasures of your time spent with your father?”

Princess: “You’re a foolish knave. When his duties didn’t require him, he doted on me!”

Fool: “And how does he dote on you in his absence?”

Princess: “Oh, that’s easy! In place of love or attention, he gives me whatever I desire in material goods and services.”

Fool: “No matter how trivial or extravagant?”

Princess: “Absolutely, he ensures I have only the best for his royal daughter!”

Fool: “So, what is his shall be yours! May you live long and prosper, my liege! What absence fails to provide, gold and luxury shall fulfill! Not by judgment, but by whim!”

(The Fool raises a goblet of wine to the Princess).

Fool: “To the Princess!” (all cheer).

(As the clamor subsides, the King beckons the Fool to join him. The noise quiets to a murmur as the King, brow furrowed, appears uneasy. He converses briefly with the Fool amidst the low hum).

King: (aside): “Fool, at times I suspect you wish to occupy this throne; your mockery reveals your intent. Tread lightly, lest you feel my constable’s blade and the wrath of our beloved Princess!”

Fool: (aside, in a soothing tone): “Dear Lion! Even as you are courageous, I would never wish to trade places! Do you long to be the Fool?”

King: (aside) “At times, I fear I am.”

(The King grabs a jug of wine and attempts to consume its contents. The Princess approaches them, tugging at the Fool’s jacket).

Princess: (aside): “Fool! I caution you. Do not tarnish my reputation before these patrons. One day, I will rule them. Though I am not yet as formidable as my father, I assume I will be once I find my Prince.”

Fool: “You do sit at his side as if you were; alas, I shall defer to your desire to be seen as pure…”

Princess: “Good! Now conclude with a tale of a wise queen who earned her status, rather than one of mere inheritance!”

Fool: “Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen! Now for a tale, dedicated to our fair Princess!”

(He picks up his tambourine and sings the story).

Once upon a time in a distant kingdom, a princess much like our own existed. The King, her father, having lost many children and his Queen (a tragic beheading), beamed with pride upon her as his heir.

“Daughter, my Princess,” he declared, “I shall soon depart, and the kingdom shall belong to you. Will you quest, as I did, for gold and power?”

“Nay,” replied the princess.

“I perceive my subjects as equals. I shall honor your legacy, yet carve my own path. I am grateful for my inheritance, Father, yet my sole claim to it is merely being your kin!

Why would I need a Prince when I can acquire what I desire through skills learned at your side or wealth earned through my own efforts?”

The King beamed at his daughter, knowing she would be powerful, respected, and able to obtain whatever she wished. He saw himself as both a wise King and a nurturing father. He expected any Prince to be worthy of her.

The princess urged him, “Father, share stories of my childhood!”

“Oh my! The King exclaimed. I recall attempting to arrange your marriage to that prince from the swamp kingdom, hoping our realms would unite and benefit my lords with increased workforce!”

The Princess swooned. “Yes, my King, that was an exhilarating time, but it didn’t favor us, did it?”

“No,” the King replied, “because the prince wed his first cousin, and she still hasn’t provided him with a proper heir. Blast!”

“Daddy!” exclaimed the Princess, “You weren’t attempting to trade me for land, were you? Or slaves?”

“Good heavens, no! I merely desired you to have a better life, dear child!”

“And Father, about that time you had ‘that woman’ who nursed me executed, you weren’t angry with her, were you?”

“What do you take me for? A monster?” the King retorted.

“Oh, right! I remember you hosted a grand feast right after. Quite impressive.”

“My beloved daughter, I’ve made many choices, all to show that being royal surpasses anything else in this world. I can depart knowing you will inherit my throne, and if you bear a daughter, she will continue this legacy! You were never merely a pawn or decoration, my dear.

For powerful men, you will serve a great purpose!”

The Princess caressed her father's hair. “Father, I am thrilled to be your Princess. You have taught me so well. Though I may be a royal servant, it is still a grand life.”

The King found contentment in this, understanding that generations of his lineage would continue to rule, and his legacy secure. He realized that when she became the head of state, her chances of meeting a fatal end would be diminished, as she had no siblings.

Ultimately, they would be revering a Queen, not a King. At least the patriarchy would be dead, yet monarchy would endure. That was the crux of the matter—supreme power.

Not long after, our honorable King approached his final moments. In his last breaths, he experienced a vision and shared its divine significance with the young princess.

“Daughter, I’ve seen the future,” he stated. “Our legacy is assured. I see enchanting images on a wall for people to revere, the heraldry of another king—Sir Disney. He will carry this incredible legacy to little princesses across the globe. You will not face solitude in my absence!”

The Princess wept, a torrent of sorrow and joy flooding her heart.

As her father passed into the next realm, she held his hand, proclaiming, “I shall take it from here.” And she lived happily ever after.

(The King begins to radiate a brilli