The Illusion of Everlasting Happiness

Butker’s assertion regarding his wife's satisfaction with her choices piqued my curiosity: How can he be so sure of her feelings? What might she think in the future? If circumstances were to change and Harrison decided to leave, would she feel equipped to handle the financial implications?

While I acknowledge the value of being present for my children, I believe men can also experience this fulfillment if they choose the homemaker role. However, such positions also come with vulnerabilities that statements like Butker’s tend to overlook.

In 2023, Florida's child custody law underwent significant changes mandating a 50/50 split, regardless of the primary caregiver. This shift often limits child support for former stay-at-home parents, who may find themselves at a financial disadvantage. Additionally, recent legislation has made it harder to obtain lifelong alimony for marriages lasting over 17 years.

These laws imply that both men and women are equally capable of parenting and earning an income, yet they fail to acknowledge the potential long-term impact on a stay-at-home parent's earning capacity.

As a volunteer attorney in Florida, I witnessed how the legal system can function as a weapon rather than a protective measure. A family member, whom I will refer to as Tammy, faced a life-altering situation after choosing to focus on homemaking.

The Reality of a Broken Marriage

Tammy married in 2005, bringing with her a child from a previous relationship and later having two more with her husband. After giving birth to their daughter, she returned to work shortly after because her husband was unemployed. During his training for a government job, she supported him financially, effectively becoming the primary caregiver while working part-time.

Tammy never considered investing in her own career.

When she turned forty, her husband left her for a younger woman. By this time, he was earning significantly more than her.

During the divorce proceedings, he failed to pay child support for two years and neglected mortgage payments, choosing instead to live with his mother. Tammy struggled to get by, relying on her family for assistance, which became a point of contention in court.

The Weight of Emotional Burden

Tammy often called me in distress. Her husband took over the SUV because she couldn't manage the payments. She felt betrayed after dedicating her life to her family, only to find herself unprotected by the law.

Pre-trial discussions indicated that the judge viewed the case as a straightforward split of assets and custody. It didn't matter that Tammy had purchased the home before their marriage or that her husband had not contributed financially for two years. This left her relying on her mother's support for legal representation.

Despite her husband’s neglect of their children, she faced obstacles in retaining the marital home, as the judge believed it should be sold to ensure the children had appropriate accommodations. With her income being a fraction of her husband’s, Tammy now lives with her mother.

Tammy discovered she did not qualify for alimony due to Florida's unique laws, which can deny support based on cohabitation or even supportive relationships.

She expressed her frustration, stating, “I entered this marriage with a house and a car, and now I’m leaving with nothing.” This was a bitter realization for her, revealing the failures of both her husband and the legal system.

The Cost of Traditional Choices

Choosing family over oneself often comes with unrecognized consequences. While Tammy supported her husband's ambitions, she neglected her own career path. Now, she faces a daunting reality, expected to support herself and her children despite her significantly lower earning potential.

This situation is all too common, as many women who embraced traditional roles find themselves vulnerable after divorce. One individual shared her experience of financial abuse stemming from her husband’s control over their finances, urging others to prepare for unforeseen circumstances.

I never aspired to be a “traditional wife.” My family’s history is rooted in working women—my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother were all employed as nurses. After experiencing a miscarriage while working in corporate law, my husband and I decided I would stay home to raise our children.

Initially, we had comparable earning potentials, but fourteen years later, my financial prospects have diminished drastically while his have flourished.

In my attempts to re-enter the workforce, I faced silence from law firms despite my qualifications. I received an interview opportunity, but it was canceled when they realized I had not practiced law for several years.

While I cherish the time spent with my children, it’s apparent that society does not equally value this commitment. I supported my husband’s career while mine stagnated. If he were to leave, his financial prospects would be considered his asset, while I would need to fend for myself.

Fortunately, my husband has been supportive of my aspirations, helping me with my writing endeavors. However, without a publishing deal in sight, I have accepted a full-time legal position that pays less than half of my previous salary.

When a friend questioned my need for employment, I replied, “For financial security. I can’t afford to be vulnerable if my husband leaves.” His confusion stemmed from my husband’s stable income, but the emotional weight of economic dependency cannot be overlooked.

I will always remember Tammy’s struggles; she fought for her family, yet no one stood up for her.

The Importance of Knowing Your Rights

While Butker's wife may feel fulfilled now, I urge her, other “traditional wives,” and stay-at-home parents to educate themselves on their rights and ensure they are safeguarded. Consider prenuptial or postnuptial agreements that secure alimony. Additionally, maintain some professional engagement to stay prepared for any eventuality.

My current job opportunity arose through connections I made while volunteering. I am grateful to have completed my law degree before becoming a parent.

Even if the future seems bright, it’s essential to plan for the unexpected. Protect yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you appreciated this essay, consider following my Medium account and Instagram at @Julie Calidonio.