How to Move On After a Relationship Ends: A Healing Guide
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I've been in an open relationship with my partner for nearly four years, gaining insights into love and relationships, but still feeling far from being an expert in human emotions. My experiences have mainly revolved around casual dating and exploring various connections, primarily because I had yet to find someone I truly connected with who lived nearby. That changed when I met John.
We matched online a few years back and planned to meet a couple of times, but those meetings never happened, and our conversations fizzled out. Recently, he reached out again, having ended his previous relationship, and asked if I was interested in finally getting together.
Our coffee date sparked an immediate connection. He was intriguing, attractive, playful, and a bit unpredictable, all of which captivated me. While I’ve enjoyed great dates and chemistry with other men, there was something uniquely special about John—a certain allure that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I was eager to see him again, and over the following months, we met several times and became intimate.
He was the first person I genuinely liked who lived close by, and he reciprocated those feelings. I approached this relationship with no expectations, planning to take things slowly and check in with both him and my partner Mac regularly.
Then, out of nowhere, I received a message from John indicating he wanted to give his ex-girlfriend another chance. “Maybe we can be friends later, but for now, goodbye.”
Just like that, John was out of my life, but the emotional turmoil remained.
While it wasn’t a heartbreak in the traditional sense since I didn’t love him, it felt like a loss of connection that I had cherished and believed he valued too.
I felt sadness over the lost potential for future experiences together, anger at the abruptness of the situation, and frustration from the lack of closure. I questioned whether I had misinterpreted our connection or feared that I had been misled. My ego reacted with a temper tantrum, struggling to accept rejection.
In times of uncertainty, I often turn to exercise to help ground myself. I rolled out my yoga mat and selected a long, soothing yin yoga session on YouTube. I allowed myself to cry as emotions surfaced but promised that by the end of the practice, I would feel at peace.
Since that moment, I have engaged in extensive reading, journaling, meditation, and reflection. Here are some insights that have helped me process this challenging experience and learn to let go.
1. Embracing the Transience of Life
Prepare yourself; we're diving into some Buddhist philosophy here. A fundamental belief in Buddhism is the fleeting nature of existence. Nothing is permanent. Every beginning must have an end, and within every conclusion lies the seed of a new start.
It’s clear that my relationship with John would have concluded at some point; it just happened to be now. I could have chosen to postpone my feelings for a future version of myself, but the pain would still be there. I might as well confront it now.
2. Finding Peace in Certainty
While it might not be the outcome I desired, there’s a sense of calm that comes with understanding the reality of the situation. Had we continued seeing each other, uncertainty would have loomed large—questions about when and how it would end. With my long-term partner already in the picture, and John seeking a serious relationship, our time was always bound to be limited.
I refer to this uncertainty as the daily questions that plague someone casually dating: “Why hasn’t he replied?” or “What if he falls for someone else?” However, with Mac, I don’t experience this kind of mental noise, as our commitment to each other is deep and established.
Of course, my relationship with Mac will eventually end too, but for now, we are both committed to making it work. The promise we’ve made to one another provides comfort in the face of uncertainty.
3. Considering If This Was the Best Outcome
In Matt Haig’s book Midnight Library, a woman who feels disillusioned with her life gets the chance to explore alternate paths that could have unfolded if she had made different choices. Each potential outcome, however, comes with its own unforeseen heartaches.
She realizes that her actual life, with its unique struggles, is the best one for her.
It would be a mistake to assume that a different outcome would necessarily have been better. After all, there are other people involved in this situation, including John and his dog. Who knows what challenges might have arisen had we continued our relationship? I find solace in the idea that maybe this is the best outcome for everyone involved.
4. Accepting the Flow of Life
Building on the themes of impermanence and acceptance, I like to visualize John as a flower rooted in the ground. He thrives in his environment according to the conditions around him.
I could pick him and keep him close, but ultimately, he would wilt away from his natural habitat. If I want him to flourish, I must let him grow in his own space. Luckily, he shares glimpses of his life on social media, allowing me to appreciate his beauty from a distance.
5. Engage in Self-Care Practices
During emotionally turbulent times, it’s essential to prioritize self-care. Whether you’ve never exercised, journaled, or meditated before, now is the time to start. Repeatedly engaging in these practices can help you connect with yourself.
Exercise naturally elevates your mood and can provide clarity during times of stress. I often find myself repeating affirmations during workouts, such as, “I release what no longer serves me. I am open to new possibilities.”
Meditation teaches you to observe your thoughts without judgment. Recognizing that your mind generates stories allows you to select narratives that empower you. Over time, these positive stories can overshadow negative ones.
Journaling offers a private outlet for your thoughts, enabling deeper exploration than casual conversations can provide. It allows you to express yourself freely without fear of judgment.
6. Channeling Your Ambition
If you’re not aiming for a state of total emotional detachment, you’ll need to learn to coexist with your ego. My ego craves achievement and validation. While she cannot find satisfaction in my relationship with John, she can seek fulfillment in other areas of life.
Using this drive, I can transform my emotional energy into creative outlets—perhaps reigniting a blog or a personal project. The goal is to focus on what’s inside and express it outwardly for my own benefit and the benefit of others.
Additionally, I can harness my ego to help me cope with the relationship's end. By empathizing with John’s perspective, I can appreciate his journey and recognize that his happiness matters, too.
7. Cultivating Gratitude
Lastly, to accept the end of a relationship, it’s vital to express gratitude for the experience. Be thankful for the moments shared, the lessons learned, and the growth achieved.
For me, this point is particularly poignant as it emphasizes the profound love I share with Mac. Being able to discuss my feelings about John with him and receiving his support is truly remarkable. I will always be grateful for this gift. Regardless of your own situation, I hope you can find and cherish your own gifts as well.