Chapter 1: The Weight of Expectations

From my earliest memories, I've always been the chubby kid. My mother played a significant role in this, showering my brother and me with food as if preparing for a famine that never materialized. This is a common trait among many Indian mothers, where food symbolizes love and affection. However, outside the warmth of our home, all this food and extra weight didn’t garner much affection. Throughout my childhood, I faced both subtle and overt comments about my size, but it didn't truly affect me until high school.

One memorable day, a friend offered to give me a ride on her shiny new scooter. Unfortunately, the journey was bumpy due to the pothole-riddled road leading to my house. My petite friend struggled to keep the scooter balanced, and we ended up tumbling into the street. Thankfully, neither of us was seriously hurt, just a few scrapes, and the scooter survived as well. However, she was furious. The following day at school, she recounted the incident to our classmates, emphasizing the “heavy load” she couldn't manage, which led to our embarrassing fall.

Even now, the memory brings a flush of embarrassment and echoes of laughter from that day. It was a pivotal moment for me. Overwhelmed by humiliation, I resolved to shed the excess weight at any cost. I meticulously counted calories, used smaller plates to trick my mind, walked miles to school, skipped meals, and even forsook my beloved desserts.

Remarkably, within a few months, I had lost multiple sizes, leaving everyone astonished. Those who hadn’t seen me in a while barely recognized me. However, in shedding the weight, I also lost a part of my identity.

You might wonder, “That sounds like a happy ending. What’s the issue?” The reality is that my relationship with food changed irrevocably that day. Two decades later, I still can’t indulge in a meal without calculating the calories. Enjoyment is overshadowed by guilt, and I still see an overweight woman in the mirror.

Now, as a physician, I assist others struggling with weight loss. When patients inquire about my secret to staying fit, I jokingly attribute it to my intense fear of food. They often laugh, thinking I'm trying to deliver dark humor.

What drives us? Emotions like shame, embarrassment, envy, and anger can push us to achieve things we never thought possible, not always negatively. Today, I am physically healthy, thanks to that hit to my ego. Fear can be a powerful motivator, keeping us alive and pushing us forward.

However, what is the cost of pursuing our goals in this manner? The reasons behind our actions are just as important as the actions themselves. When driven by negativity, neither the path nor the destination brings joy. You feel terrible if you fail and still feel inadequate if you succeed. Achieving one goal only leads to the realization of another flaw that needs fixing, creating a cycle of perpetual dissatisfaction. No accomplishment can fill the void left by a lack of self-esteem and self-love.

This encapsulates the toxic nature of self-improvement—the "Ass with a flaming a**!"

Chapter 2: The Wisdom of Sadhguru

I recently watched a thought-provoking video featuring Sadhguru speaking to a group of students. One student shared that jealousy often motivated her, enabling her to excel academically by competing with a friend she envied. Sadhguru responded with a story about a donkey attempting to outrun a horse by setting its tail on fire.

This poignant metaphor made me reflect on my own life—I have been sprinting with my backside ablaze. What if I could reshape my life to be driven by curiosity and a genuine desire to excel, rather than by fear and anxiety?

Imagine if we pursued our goals because we were passionate about them, rather than seeing them as mere means to an end. What if we sought to improve ourselves to inspire others, rather than simply escaping our current selves? Instead of running like donkeys with fire on our backs, what if we galloped like horses fueled by our inner passions?

In that scenario, the journey itself might become enjoyable, regardless of where it ultimately leads.

If you found this narrative relatable, feel free to connect with me here.