Navigating Dating as an Asexual: A Comprehensive Guide
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Understanding Asexuality and Romantic Orientation
About five years ago, I learned about asexuality, which clarified many of my experiences.
By Harris O'Malley
Hello Dr. NerdLove,
I'm a 31-year-old woman who was diagnosed with autism a decade ago, which shed light on my social interactions (or the lack thereof). Five years back, I stumbled upon the concept of asexuality, and it answered many questions I had about myself. Initially, I thought, "I'm not broken; there's a reason I haven't desired physical affection." However, I also reflected, "Was I genuinely in love with my high school crush? I didn't realize love could exist without the desire for a kiss."
To shorten a lengthy journey, I graduated from college this year. Emotionally, mentally, and academically, I'm thriving, and I'm proud of my achievements. Now, I want to explore dating, but I'm uncertain how to begin. My social circle consists of classmates significantly younger than me. Previously, I tried online dating, but I either faced unicorn hunters or struggled to find platforms that cater to asexuals. A simple Google search for "asexual dating app" often redirects to "sexual dating app," which is disheartening.
When it comes to my romantic orientation, I'm unsure. I think I might be panromantic; I had strong crushes on people of various genders in high school. However, hormones can be peculiar. I haven’t had a crush in a long time, possibly due to a lack of social interactions.
I'm eager to step into the dating world! After much personal growth, I’m in a position to understand my sexual orientation, and I want to explore dating. Yet, I feel stuck at a crossroads with no clear path forward.
Sincerely,
Ready to Launch
It's wonderful to hear about your progress and readiness to embark on a new adventure, RTL! This is a thrilling time, yet it can be complex to start dating when you're still navigating your sexual and romantic orientations. It's essential to recognize that these orientations can differ; for instance, someone might identify as bisexual but primarily seek romantic connections with a specific gender. Just because you're asexual doesn't mean you can't experience romantic love, and you can also be aromantic without being asexual.
It seems your primary goal is to delve deeper into understanding yourself and what you seek in a relationship—this is entirely valid! It's crucial to prioritize potential partners who are patient and understanding, especially as you navigate this discovery phase. But how can you find them?
Exploring Local LGBTQ+ Communities
One option is to seek out LGBTQ social groups in your area. If you reside in a college town or a more liberal city, you'll likely find groups designed to help queer individuals connect. These often revolve around activities—like amateur sports leagues, trivia nights, or hiking groups—allowing people to meet in relaxed, pressure-free environments. This approach helps in building connections without the immediate pressure of dating.
Low-pressure settings are vital as you continue to figure things out. You shouldn't feel obliged to hook up or label someone as your "one and only" when you're still exploring your feelings.
Revisiting Online Dating with a Fresh Perspective
Another option is to return to dating apps, but with a different mindset. While I typically advise against relying solely on online dating, it can be an effective way to meet a broader spectrum of people who understand what you’re looking for.
The advantage of dating apps lies in the ability to refine your preferences and communicate openly about your needs. However, this can be tricky since most users are allosexual, making it challenging to find compatible matches.
Fortunately, there are a few asexual-friendly dating apps like Taimi and HER. While they may have fewer users, they can still be worth exploring. Additionally, consider platforms that cater to non-traditional relationships, like #Feeld, where members often have a better understanding of diverse sexualities and the importance of clear communication.
Another solid option is OKCupid. Despite its shift in popularity, it remains a major player in online dating, offering numerous features that allow you to identify as asexual, gray-ace, or demisexual. You can also use prompts to clarify your preferences and boundaries, which helps filter out those who may not respect your needs.
Finding What Works for You
If you're unsure about what you're seeking, be open to exploring different connections. If someone seems like a good match, engage in conversation, and perhaps arrange a casual meet-up. If it clicks, suggest a proper date. Always ensure they understand your asexuality and your current comfort level. If not, politely move on.
Clear communication about your desires and boundaries is crucial. If you're considering a sexual experience with someone, ensure they respect your unique experiences, and be upfront about what you want and don’t want. This clarity will help prevent misunderstandings and frustration.
As you navigate dating, remember to maintain strong boundaries to keep out time-wasters and unwanted attention. If you encounter unicorn hunters, don’t engage—they’ll only complicate your experience. Simply swipe left or block them.
Most importantly, remember that you define your journey. Don't let others dictate your experiences based on their perceptions. If someone makes you uncomfortable, express your feelings; if they disregard your boundaries, it's perfectly acceptable to distance yourself.
Take Your Time
Above all, proceed at a pace that feels right for you. This isn't a race, and you shouldn't feel pressured to make up for lost time. Your journey of self-discovery will unfold at its own pace. If you're interested in exploring sexual experiences, that's your choice. But if you need time to decide, that's perfectly valid too, and a worthy partner will respect that.
This is an exciting chapter for you, RTL, and I wish you all the best as you embark on this journey of self-exploration and discovery.
Good luck!
Considerations for the Single and Seeking
The first video, "Asexuals give dating 'advice'," explores unique perspectives from asexual individuals on dating and relationships.