The Shield of Protection

Recently, I engaged in a lively discussion with my young adult son regarding self-assurance and the importance of controlling circumstances to suit his needs. He expressed a significant anxiety about presenting in front of his classmates, describing it as a "crippling fear." Despite being well-acquainted with his material, the thought of articulating it and facing an onslaught of questions afterward made him nervous.

As parents, our roles are ceaseless; we continuously teach, motivate, nurture, and uplift our children. Parenting is an endless marathon without breaks. The challenge can often seem overwhelming, yet we find the strength to persevere because we want our children to lead lives filled with joy and fulfillment.

I advised my son on tackling his anxiety during presentations by seizing the moment and harnessing his inner strength, not just to convey his knowledge but to create an environment where his audience understands they are there to learn from him. He holds the power. I readily acknowledge that I am not the ideal father — I’m doing my best, but I recognize my limitations.

Life’s simplest lessons often prove to be the hardest, and I continually strive to keep my primary mission in mind: to support my son and be there for him when he stumbles.

The Ongoing Journey

A recurring theme in my parenting journey involves confronting racial realities with my son. As he matures and gathers experiences, his ability to comprehend the harshness of the world has sharpened. His growing self-awareness, though still developing, serves as a protective shield against personal injustices.

In a recent conversation, he noted my apparent confidence and approachability when interacting with others. Reflecting on this, I realized he has made this observation before. He remarked that I have a knack for making people feel at ease during our initial encounters, often leaving them happier afterward. I wish I could claim that this is merely due to my charming personality, but the truth is, it’s a matter of survival.

From my experience, navigating daily life can resemble an arduous journey with no rest stops. It often feels like a battle, where survival supersedes mere existence. Carrying the weight of a potential target on my back is both a burden and a responsibility to forge a better future for the next generation.

Like many in the African-American community, I wasn’t handed a survival guide at birth. The strategies I’ve honed over the years were learned through experience. My parents, former hippies, were aware of the world's harsh realities yet shielded me from many social injustices during my formative years. I appreciate their selfless support, which I draw from when guiding my son.

As discussions about the current racial divide dominate our conversations, I am reminded of my continual objective: to educate and maintain awareness of the reality we inhabit.

We reside in a country where hearing about Black individuals, particularly Black men, facing violence merely for existing is tragically common. Both my son, standing at 6 feet 6 inches, and I at 6 feet 4 inches, bear the weight of being perceived as threats, drawing extra attention and scrutiny on a daily basis. Consequently, ensuring positive interactions with those who may not share our background has become increasingly vital.

Addressing the Detractors

Let’s take a moment to address those who feel the need to undermine our experiences by “whitesplaining” societal injustices with phrases like “you’re just being overly sensitive” or “there is no racism.” What these self-proclaimed arbiters of truth fail to recognize is that a marginalized community, shaped by over 400 years of systemic racism, possesses ample justification to challenge their misguided views. Denial is one thing, complacency is another. If any skeptics wish to truly understand, I would happily provide them with a new pair of shoes to walk in our reality.

Repeatedly, I encounter, read about, or observe the perspectives of our white counterparts questioning why we "can’t just stop complaining" or suggesting that "it’s all in our heads." These sentiments rarely permeate minority communities, revealing a stark disconnect.

Tactics and Strategies

Navigating life requires meticulous planning and strategy. Lacking a reference playbook to pass down to my son, I’ve relied on trial and error as my guide. Since the days when my son’s hero resided in a pineapple under the sea, I’ve shared with him the lessons I’ve gleaned from years of uncomfortable encounters.

The Operating Procedure Have you ever stepped onto an elevator only to see a woman quickly pull her child closer? Or noticed someone shifting to the far corner upon your arrival?

When meeting someone for the first time, I instinctively allow them to initiate the greeting. This allows them to maintain control and dictate how they wish to interact — unlike when presenting to a classroom. I often remind my son of the importance of treating others as he wishes to be treated while also looking out for his community.

Over time, my posture has deteriorated. In conversations, especially with White women, I tend to lower my head and tilt it to convey attentiveness and to appear less threatening. In social settings, I deliberately maintain a greater distance to avoid seeming intimidating, a habit my father often teased me about.

These behaviors are deliberate and have been honed over years. By making myself uncomfortable, I aim to create a sense of ease for others, averting potential negative interactions. While I may not always need to act this way, a little discomfort is preferable to the alternative of being arrested or harmed.

The Essentials Every time I leave home, whether for work, errands, or leisure, my mind races with thoughts of encountering a racially biased situation. My strategy is straightforward: diffuse any potential issues before they arise. Being kind and respectful isn’t sufficient anymore. When engaging in transactions, I adopt an overly friendly demeanor, sometimes to the point of absurdity, which often bewildered my younger self.

I’ve tried to instill the unwritten rules that the Black community must follow: 1. Don’t touch anything you don’t intend to purchase. 2. Always obtain a receipt (and a bag for your item). 3. Avoid putting your hands in your pockets. 4. We’re still working on not wearing hoodies all the time.

Addressing a sales associate or cashier by their name can elicit surprised reactions. Typically, I’m met with smiles, and occasionally, a sense of mutual respect. These seemingly minor gestures promote cordial interactions and deserve practice.

While this strategy has worked well, I’ve also faced situations where I wasn’t acknowledged or, worse, received negative attention.

Politeness and gratitude are constants in all my interactions. I’m pleased to note that my son is learning these lessons, and I hope they stick.

Future Aspirations My son is on the verge of graduating college and entering the workforce, where he will encounter numerous challenges, many of which will be beyond his control. The current job market is less than favorable for recent graduates, especially for young Black men who might be overlooked due to their skin color. If he’s fortunate enough to land interviews, he’ll need to take steps to present himself as non-threatening.

My approach is to show interviewers that I mean no harm and am simply seeking employment. I conduct background research on who I’ll meet and often consider their appearance to prepare for any uncomfortable situations. Some may label this profiling, but my experiences have taught me that navigating these interactions requires caution and preparation.

Avoiding pitfalls in interviews is delicate; I usually stand while waiting, as rising from a chair to approach someone, especially White women, can be interpreted as aggressive. Yes, it’s absurd, but it’s a matter of survival.

License and Registration Fortunately, I’ve never faced the barrel of a gun from a police officer or been mistreated by authority figures seeking to assert their dominance. However, I have faced harassment for no reason.

I often share with my son that police generally harbor suspicion and fear. Given his stature, this can complicate encounters. It’s crucial for us, as members of the Black community, to navigate these situations carefully. Sometimes, a cavalier attitude can be the difference between compliance and a potentially dangerous confrontation. Understanding how to de-escalate situations should always be the goal.

We all know the expected etiquette when pulled over: be polite and cooperative. But for Black individuals, particularly Black men, additional precautions must be taken: 1. Always have your ID ready. 2. If stopped, keep both hands visible outside the window. 3. Remain silent unless spoken to. 4. Explain your actions to avoid alarming the officer. 5. Make every movement slow and deliberate. 6. Be exceedingly courteous, as if your life depends on it — because it does.

Essentially, it’s about putting the officer at ease.

When discussing less-than-ideal interactions with my son, I often inquire about his actions to de-escalate the situation. Admittedly, this is partly to gauge whether my teachings have resonated. The education extends beyond merely having identification; he must also know his rights, including the right to refuse consent for a search. While complying, he should assert his rights as a U.S. citizen and remain calm yet firm.

We cannot control others’ perceptions or fears. However, we can manage our actions. While law enforcement may experience apprehension about confrontations, they often return home to relax, whereas we may not have the same luxury.

Let’s not confuse normal behavior with the exceptional treatment we receive. If it were truly standard, violence against the Black community would be far less prevalent.

As Black individuals, we must not only advocate for ourselves but also for the understanding of those we encounter daily. It’s exhausting. This is no way to exist, yet we have no guidebook for navigating life with our White neighbors.

Why would anyone live in constant fear or suspicion of those who provide their meals, educate their children, or care for their health? At some point, we need to simply live, albeit wisely, aware that not everyone will treat us with kindness or respect. These are basic life lessons, yet for minorities in a racist society, survival takes precedence.

Why must Black individuals bear this burden alone? It’s not my responsibility to explain why institutional racism is a cancer in this country. I’m weary of carrying the weight of others’ guilt.

My primary focus is my son’s safety and well-being, ensuring he thrives in a society steeped in systemic racism. While not everyone wishes harm upon those who differ from them, I celebrate those who stand for equality. This knowledge strengthens my resolve as I continue my son’s education, reinforcing the idea that we all share a duty to protect the children of our world, even if they aren’t our own. I’m fulfilling my role; are you doing yours?

Even while dressed as a law-abiding citizen, the color of my skin remains a glaring marker. For my lighter-skinned counterparts, living freely may be as simple as stepping outside. For many of us, living our best life means safely returning home to open that front door again.

Thank you for reading!

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