In my journey of loving an avoidant for seven years, I’ve collected numerous lessons that may resonate with those in similar situations. Here are seven key takeaways that emerged from my experience.

I first met her seven years ago and, contrary to the notion of love at first sight, my feelings developed gradually. As I got to know her better, I found her fascinating and rewarding.

Over these years, I’ve experienced a mix of bliss, heartache, tranquility, and lessons learned. I aim to share seven valuable insights that stem from my personal journey.

My experience is complemented by extensive reading on relationships and self-reflection. If you’re involved with an avoidant partner, you can gain deeper insights into their behavior and your own responses. It can certainly be a frustrating experience, but there’s much to learn.

If you identify as the avoidant partner, this may offer you clarity on your actions and how they impact your partner. However, I must warn you: this will be a candid exploration, and I’ll be honest about uncomfortable truths.

Let’s dive in, as there’s a lot to unpack!

#1 Accept that you can't change your partner

You cannot compel your partner to spend more time with you or to be more open. Attempts to alter their behavior may only lead to increased resistance. It’s essential to recognize that while you cannot control their actions, you can control your own responses.

What does this entail? Express your concerns and set boundaries in a constructive and loving way. Remember, you should not be in this position indefinitely. If your needs remain unmet despite your efforts, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Note: What "letting go" means can vary based on your current relationship dynamics.

#2 Differentiate between love and fear of loss

Consider whether you love them, or if you're simply addicted to the thrill of the chase. A pivotal realization for me was understanding that the fear of losing someone can masquerade as love.

This understanding came from reading insightful literature that highlighted how intense feelings often stem from fear rather than genuine affection. Reflect on your feelings: Are they rooted in love, or are they a reaction to insecurity or ego?

It's vital to recognize that while love may exist, fear often drives your actions and thoughts, creating a cycle of dependency rather than genuine connection.

#3 Remember that avoidants are human too

Online discourse often paints avoidants in a negative light, labeling them as unfeeling or abusive. This perception does more harm than good. Avoidants experience loneliness and desire closeness, even if they struggle to achieve it.

They may have the best intentions, yet their emotional challenges hinder their ability to connect. It’s important to approach the situation with empathy while also holding them accountable for their actions.

#4 Compromise if change is not forthcoming

Avoidants often fear intimacy and, as a result, may create friction in the relationship. This conflict usually arises not from trivial matters but from differing needs for closeness.

There are three potential outcomes: 1. A relationship that ultimately fails due to excessive conflict. 2. A stable relationship built on mutual understanding, which can be challenging with insecure attachments. 3. A “stably unstable” relationship where one partner compromises significantly.

The non-avoidant partner may find themselves adjusting their expectations to maintain the relationship, often leading to unfulfilled needs.

#5 Standing up for yourself is beneficial for both

While it may seem noble to overlook your partner’s hurtful behaviors, doing so indefinitely is unsustainable. Suppressing your needs will only lead to resentment.

Even avoidants, who may push you to accept their behavior, ultimately seek a partner who stands up for themselves. Not asserting your needs can also harm them, as it enables negative patterns to continue.

#6 The power of the willingness to walk away

This doesn’t mean leaving at the first sign of trouble, but rather maintaining the readiness to walk away if necessary.

Just as you would distance yourself from a friend engaging in harmful behavior, prioritizing your well-being in a relationship is essential. This approach fosters a healthier dynamic for both partners.

#7 My love for her is real

I genuinely love her. True love is often measured by how we accept each other's imperfections. We've had our share of beautiful moments and painful conflicts, but my affection runs deep.

I appreciate who she is beyond her attachment style and defense mechanisms, and I believe in her potential even when she struggles to see it herself.