Reflecting on past experiences often feels like trying to catch fog, as memories slip away like fine sand through my fingers.
Navigating Stroke and Uncertainty
In moments of clarity, I can write with the finesse of a skilled author, crafting vivid imagery with my words. Yet, at other times, it feels like I’m relearning how to express my thoughts, battling with the frustration of finding the right words. This internal struggle can be both humbling and disheartening.
Experiencing a stroke is akin to waking up in a familiar yet alien world. Tasks that were once second nature now seem insurmountable. Just last week, I attempted to fix my earrings—a task I’ve performed countless times—only to feel bewildered, as though the motions had vanished from my mind. I had to rely on my mother, who is in her 80s, to assist me.
Memories often escape me like wisps of smoke, and walking, which was once a graceful act, now necessitates the support of a cane or walker. Each step becomes a cautious negotiation with the forces of gravity. Even simple spatial judgments can be perplexing, with items appearing closer or farther than they actually are. This journey is one of relearning, viewing the world through a fresh perspective, where each minor achievement feels like a triumph over the looming uncertainties. I recognize that I may sound overly dramatic, but that’s how it can feel at times.
At its core, a stroke occurs when something in the brain falters. It’s like a malfunction that disrupts the usual functioning of both body and mind, impacting cognitive and emotional experiences.
My body often behaves unpredictably, much like my cat, which has a mind of its own. Just moments ago, my leg gave out unexpectedly, causing me to collapse onto my bed—thankfully, I avoided the floor.
Earlier, my sister posed a question that completely eluded me. Despite my repeated requests for clarification, I could not grasp her meaning, which must have been frustrating for her. Yet, she remained patient, rephrasing her words until my understanding returned.
Despite these challenges, I have discovered a source of joy: writing. Expressing my thoughts on paper allows me to reconnect with my true self, recalling a skill I cherished in my youth, long before my stroke. Self-doubt often creeps in, yet I feel the shadow of the stroke gradually lifting. I understand that to reclaim some of what I have lost, I must persist and embrace the future. Giving up is not an option.
I have made a commitment to myself: to write something every day.
This is my piece for today; I hope it resonates with you.
Tihei Mauri Ora - Careen