Chapter 1: The Emotional Toll of COVID-19

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, one of the most challenging experiences has been witnessing the struggle of patients right before they are placed on ventilators.

"What happened to Ms. G?"

"Oh…she coded unexpectedly and passed away."

A heavy sigh escaped me; I had genuinely believed she would pull through. It was my birthday, and instead of celebrating, I was on a shift in the ICU. Ms. G, a patient battling COVID-19, had been monitored closely for days, but her condition had worsened to the point where she could no longer breathe without assistance.

With a heavy heart, I knew I had to intubate her. I put on my personal protective equipment, offered a silent prayer, and entered her room. Despite her struggles, she managed to speak and, looking directly at me, said, "I don’t want to die."

All I could do was offer comfort, reassuring her that I would do everything possible to help. However, the fear lingered that this might be our last interaction, as many patients who required ventilators didn’t survive.

After successfully intubating her and connecting her to the ventilator, I was relieved that the procedure went smoothly. For three weeks, she remained on the machine, stabilizing enough for us to consider transferring her to a long-term care facility for continued recovery. Hope flickered within me that she might make it.

Thus, my disappointment deepened when I learned she did not survive. Tragically, her neighbor—another COVID-19 patient whom we had managed to keep off a ventilator—also succumbed. They were the last two COVID-19 patients in my ICU; the others had already passed away.

Fortunately, the pandemic's intensity in my area has significantly eased. We are no longer facing the overwhelming influx of patients we experienced earlier in the spring. I am incredibly thankful for this change, both for our patients and my fellow healthcare workers. The memories of those harrowing times still haunt me, and I dread the thought of another surge this fall and winter.

The pandemic has presented countless challenges: the terror of a virus that can rapidly incapacitate its victims, the worry of transmitting it to our families, and the relentless stream of death and grief. Perhaps the most heart-wrenching aspect, however, is meeting a patient’s gaze just before they are placed on a ventilator.

In those moments, I witness their fear, pain, and struggle for breath, and it shatters my heart. All too often, once a patient is on a ventilator, the likelihood of them surviving is slim.

While some do recover, those victories feel like rare rays of light in the darkness of this pandemic. Such instances are what keep me motivated, even amidst the overwhelming despair. I earnestly hope that no one else has to witness the suffering my patients have endured.

When this pandemic finally concludes, I will undoubtedly emerge as a different physician than I was at its onset. However, one unforgettable image will remain with me: the look in my patients' eyes before they transition to mechanical ventilation. It is one of the most devastating sights I have encountered as an ICU doctor, a memory I wish I could erase.

The first video titled "Why I Don't Want to Die Anymore" features Johnny Crowder sharing his deeply personal reflections on life and mental health, illustrating the struggles many face during challenging times.

In the second video, Anthony Green performs "I Don't Want to Die By Strings," a poignant piece that captures the emotional battles individuals navigate, resonating with the themes of survival and hope.