The Situation

On a particularly hectic day, Neiman sent me an email containing an incomplete task request. His message lacked depth and consideration, which is understandable given his numerous responsibilities. Despite multiple readings, I struggled to grasp what he wanted me to accomplish. The email was vague and lacked essential context. To seek clarity, I responded, asking for more information.

In true Neiman fashion, he replied bluntly, “Just do as I ask.”

“I genuinely can’t,” I responded. “It’s unclear what you want me to do.” I could sense both his and my frustration over this seemingly trivial matter. I decided to consult my team leader, who relayed, “Neiman just asked me to write you up for insubordination.”

“What is he thinking?” I exclaimed. “This is absurd! He can't just intimidate people. We’ve exchanged two emails, and the first one was completely vague.”

The Response

Taking a moment to reflect, I realized that what I was witnessing was not reflective of the corporate culture we aimed to cultivate. Neiman's behavior seemed erratic and unprofessional. Therefore, I decided to email him directly, including my team leader and Neiman's supervisor in the correspondence. This was not merely about clarifying a work assignment, but about confronting a culture of intimidation.

“Neiman, I understand you wish for me to be written up for insubordination. I feel your actions are more aligned with bullying than leadership. Your message was unclear, and it is perfectly acceptable to seek clarification from a superior without being judged as insubordinate. I propose we all meet to discuss this further.”

Our Vice-President responded promptly, requesting an in-person meeting the following day.

The Meeting

I arrived early to the conference room, taking a few laps around the table to center myself. After a brief wait, Tyler and my team leader joined me. We sat across from each other at the long table, awaiting Neiman's arrival.

When Neiman finally entered, he chose a seat at the far end of the table. Despite the distance, his presence was still imposing, and he appeared visibly frustrated. Tyler initiated the meeting by asking Neiman to explain the circumstances leading to our conflict, starting with him first.

As I began to share my perspective, Neiman became increasingly agitated, leaning closer to me. The table creaked under his weight as his face flushed with anger. “That’s not how it happened. It would be easier for everyone if you simply did what I asked,” he almost shouted.

After reprimanding me for my demeanor, Neiman redirected his focus to Tyler, expressing confusion about the purpose of the meeting. In that brief moment, I decided to assert myself.

“I will not respond to your aggression with aggression,” I stated calmly.

This declaration seemed to catch Neiman off guard, his eyes widening in surprise. The power dynamics were suddenly clear. Tyler, our supervisor, suggested, “You two should go to lunch and discuss this.”

“Fine, I’ll arrange it,” Neiman said, standing up and leaving the room with a huff.

Initially, I was uncertain about Tyler's relaxed management style, especially in light of Neiman’s aggressive behavior. However, after a week, I recognized that the tension would likely dissipate when Neiman and I had our lunch meeting.

Our Lunch

Two weeks had passed since the incident, and it was time for our lunch together. As I waited, a thought struck me: “We can only be as present as we are compassionate.” Just as I pondered this, Neiman arrived, greeted the hostess, and we were seated at a small table for four. A chill from the air conditioning made me shiver, and I hoped no one noticed.

Neiman attempted small talk to ease the tension, but I felt there was little room for pleasantries. After a minute of awkward silence, I interrupted him, asking, “What are we doing? Shouldn’t we sort this out?”

Neiman avoided eye contact and stared down at the table, his face displaying regret. Slowly, he wrapped his hands around the cold water glass, a deliberate gesture. After a moment of quiet, he spoke softly, “I hate who I am becoming,” as tears welled in his eyes, and he took a sip to mask his emotions.

“I understand, Neiman. I can relate to that feeling,” I replied genuinely.

We shared a moment of silence, being present for ourselves and each other, allowing space for forgiveness. This silence transformed into a powerful exchange of grace, compassion, and healing.

The Comment

“I will not meet your aggression with aggression.” This statement continues to resonate with me years later. It carries immense power and disarms hostility. Instead of responding to aggression with more aggression, I choose to remain true to myself, refusing to be a prisoner of my circumstances. I will not counter hate with hate or violence with violence. I strive to approach every situation with the grace and healing of an open heart, an embodiment that needs no justification.

The Space of Compassion

Reflecting on my lunch with Neiman, I recognized the transformative power of compassion. It allows us to accept situations as they are, free from judgment. Difficult experiences can feel constraining and suffocating without compassion, as if we are stuck in a narrow space, provoking instinctive responses that bypass rational thought. Compassion creates the necessary openness to navigate even the most challenging scenarios, much like standing in a vast, open field. It facilitates problem-solving, healing, and the discovery of new ways of being.

Developing Compassion

For businesses, fostering compassion among employees and leaders is essential. Compassion equips individuals to address difficult situations with empathy and understanding. By integrating compassion into corporate culture, companies can cultivate an environment centered around authentic presence and connection.

My relationship with Neiman transformed from conflict to mutual respect through compassion. I have never regretted choosing to be compassionate.

Wishing you well on your journey. You are embraced in love.

About The Author

I currently serve as a Principal Security Architect at H&R Block. Connect with me on LinkedIn or Instagram @chuckj67 or @yourareheldinlove. I welcome discussions with anyone interested in exploring this topic further. My article, “Awakening To Oneness: My Realization of First Principle Thinking,” reveals the origins of my passion for understanding 'being.' I would be honored to join any podcast that seeks to delve deeper into this subject or my Vipassana experience.