In the realm of relationships, the phrase “Why didn’t you read my mind?” often echoes.

Mette Honoré cleverly compares expectations to pizza toppings: they can appear uninvited, leading to chaos. We frequently anticipate a flawless partnership, only to find our significant other had a different vision altogether. But why do our expectations frequently diverge from reality? Is it merely a communication gap, or is there a deeper issue?

Research in psychology and neuroscience reveals that our brains are inherently designed to generate expectations, often unconsciously. This tendency is associated with cognitive biases, like confirmation bias and the availability heuristic, which shape our perception and interpretation of experiences.

Our brains act as skilled expectation creators, producing assumptions similar to a factory churning out cheesy jokes. Evidence suggests that our neural networks are programmed to identify patterns, which can lead us to hastily conclude a situation — we gather a few clues and mistakenly believe we grasp the full story. In reality, what we perceive might resemble a Picasso rather than a straightforward image — strange, unexpected, and entirely different from our assumptions.

Attempting to control outcomes is akin to trying to hold water in our hands — it’s a mirage of control. German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer remarked on the pride associated with nationality, pointing out that we take pride without merit. Similarly, we often cling to expectations, failing to recognize they are simply scripts waiting for a rewrite.

To truly understand how we form and manage expectations, we should delve into historical and scientific views on human cognition. Philosophers like Immanuel Kant posited that our cognitive faculties filter human knowledge, shaping our reality. Additionally, researchers like Daniel Kahneman illustrate how our brains depend on cognitive shortcuts, such as heuristics and biases, for efficient information processing.

Consider the scenario of meeting someone on a dating app who claims to be an outdoor enthusiast, sharing photos of hikes and camping trips. Upon meeting, you learn their version of "outdoorsy" involves a short stroll from their car to the mailbox. Once again, our brains leap to conclusions based on scant information, leading to disappointment.

The inclination to construct narratives about people and situations is deeply ingrained in our psychology. Cognitive scientist George Lakoff asserts that our brains are built to detect patterns and create stories, a notion supported by narrative theory, which posits that meaning arises from storytelling.

Our minds seem to function as secret storytellers, crafting tales of adventure, only for them to falter in the face of reality. Take, for instance, “mailbox-hiker-gate” — our imaginations envisioning grand escapades only to realize the most significant journey is from the couch to the fridge.

The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon illustrates that once we notice something, our brains tend to exaggerate its importance. Thus, if your partner forgets to cap the toothpaste, it’s not a personal slight, but rather your mind amplifying the issue. Philosophically, Epicurus would argue that genuine happiness stems from within, rather than from external factors like a capped toothpaste tube.

Reactions to mismatched expectations, whether large or small, are largely influenced by the brain’s threat response system, inciting emotional reactions such as fear, anxiety, and anger. Attachment theory posits that our formative relationships with caregivers shape our attachment styles, impacting how we react to perceived threats or disappointments in subsequent relationships. By acknowledging these patterns, we can start to rewire our responses and cultivate healthier coping strategies, improving our relationships and overall well-being.

Imagine your partner has a tendency to cancel plans last minute, leaving you feeling frustrated and unheard. Your brain gears up, producing thoughts like “They don’t prioritize me” or “I’m just an afterthought.” However, as we’ve discussed, these thoughts may not reflect reality.

You find yourself pondering why your partner consistently cancels, questioning if it signifies a lack of commitment. But what if their behavior stems from personal fears, anxieties, or past trauma?

Theories suggest that our actions often arise from unconscious motivations, meaning your partner’s cancellations might be a defense mechanism against intimacy or emotional exposure. Psychoanalytic theory indicates that unresolved childhood conflicts can reemerge in adulthood as protective strategies.

Nelson Mandela once said, “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” When we combine Mandela’s wisdom with insights on expectations, it becomes clear that our responses to a partner’s unpredictability are often shaped by what we anticipate from them. Social exchange theory posits that our expectations inform our perceptions of our partner’s actions, affecting our emotional responses. If we expect our partner to uphold commitments, we’re likely to feel disillusioned when they back out.

This dynamic can be explained by the philosophical concept of “intentionality,” introduced by philosopher Franz Brentano. Intentionality posits that our thoughts and perceptions are always directed at something — an object, a person, or an expectation. Thus, our expectations mold our reality, influencing how we interpret our partner’s behavior.

As we navigate daily life, we continually encounter new people, situations, and experiences. Our brains are wired to respond swiftly, often relying on mental shortcuts to interpret our surroundings. This can lead to an intriguing phenomenon known as the “illusion of explanatory depth.” We tend to overrate our understanding of complex subjects, assuming we have a deeper grasp than we truly do.

Delving into this idea reveals that our inclination to oversimplify intricate issues can yield humorous contradictions. As the saying goes, “I know enough to know I don’t know enough, but I’m going to pretend I do anyway.” This witty observation underscores the struggle between our desire for certainty and the inherent unpredictability of many phenomena.

Philosophers like Karl Popper advocate for skepticism towards our assertions, acknowledging the likelihood of error. He maintained that a valuable theory is one that can be tested and potentially disproven. Researchers like Daniel Kahneman highlight how cognitive biases and shortcuts can skew our thinking, suggesting strategies to counteract these biases, such as seeking diverse viewpoints and considering alternative explanations.

Now, let’s examine the burden of unspoken expectations in relationships. Philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre observed that “we are condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, we are forced to choose.” But what transpires when our choices conflict with the unvoiced expectations of others?

To traverse the complex terrain of unspoken expectations, we can utilize the concept of “mentalizing” from attachment theory. This involves recognizing and reflecting on our own and our partner’s thoughts and feelings, akin to a social scientist analyzing human behavior. By doing so, we can gain insight into the underlying dynamics that govern our interactions and minimize miscommunication. As the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus wisely stated, “We suffer more from imagination than from reality.”

So, how does this translate into real-life situations?

Mentalizing manifests as an ongoing internal dialogue, prompting questions like “What am I thinking?” “How am I feeling?” and “What’s my partner thinking and feeling?” It’s akin to being a detective, unraveling the mystery of others’ minds.

Here are ten playful examples of mentalizing in everyday life:

1. When your partner neglects to cap the toothpaste, you might wonder, “Perhaps they’re having a rough day, or maybe they’re secretly trying to test my patience.”
2. Secure attachment styles, linked to better mentalizing skills, could lead your partner to say, “Hey, I noticed you seemed a bit off today. Everything okay?”
3. Kant’s assertion that “out of the crooked timber of humanity, no straight thing was ever made” reminds us that imperfections are part of relationships. When your partner forgets to return your call, you might think, “Maybe they got caught up, or perhaps they’re just beautifully flawed.”
4. Social learning theory suggests we learn by observing others. If your partner witnesses your emotional openness, they might feel encouraged to reciprocate. When you share your feelings, you might think, “Perhaps they’ll feel safe to share too, fostering a nurturing environment.”
5. Emotional intelligence expert Daniel Goleman emphasizes that being attuned to our emotions enhances our management of them. If you catch yourself becoming defensive during a disagreement, you might reflect, “Wait, why am I reacting this way? Maybe I’m just tired and stressed.”
6. Philosopher David Hume’s theory of sympathy posits that we empathize with others by placing ourselves in their position. If your partner confides about anxiety, you might think, “I can envision how overwhelming that must be — I’d want someone to be there for me too.”
7. Attachment researcher Sue Johnson suggests that relationships thrive when both partners feel secure and supported. If your partner seeks comfort, you might think, “They’re feeling vulnerable, and I want to support them — that’s what love is about.”
8. The idea of “emotional contagion” implies we can catch each other’s emotions. When your partner enters the room with a radiant smile, you might feel uplifted, thinking, “Their joy is contagious — I’m starting to feel cheerful too!”
9. The theory of intersubjectivity suggests we co-create meaning through shared experiences. While collaborating on a project, you might think, “We’re crafting something together — our thoughts merging into something new and exciting.”
10. Finally, philosopher Martin Buber’s “I-Thou” relationships stress the importance of mutual respect and presence. In moments with your partner, you might feel, “This is a sacred exchange — I’m fully engaged with them, and they’re fully engaged with me.”

Expectations can indeed weigh heavily, shaping our perceptions and behaviors. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, unmet expectations can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction, adversely affecting our well-being. Thus, it’s vital to be inquisitive about our thoughts regarding others’ intentions; otherwise, we risk becoming lost in our narratives.

Anaïs Nin aptly noted, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” This highlights that our perceptions and expectations of others are frequently molded by our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, rather than objective reality.

It is crucial to express our thoughts — not from a place of certainty, but with curiosity, wonder, and love.

Recognizing that our expectations of others are often colored by our own perceptions, biases, and assumptions allows us to cultivate a more nuanced understanding of those around us, fostering deeper connections. As Epictetus wisely stated, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” With this perspective, we can strive to engage with others through greater empathy, compassion, and understanding.