I’ve often found myself puzzled by the dynamics of attraction and why certain men seem to have women gravitate towards them effortlessly, while I, despite my best efforts, remain unnoticed.

By Harris O’Malley

Dear Doc,

I’ve been reflecting on one of your recent articles discussing the notion of needing to be perfect to find a date. The straightforward answer is “No,” and I understand you've explored this topic extensively. However, I want to focus on a specific issue that I believe contributes significantly to why many average men, including myself, often feel disheartened about their romantic prospects.

Like many others, I’m not without my flaws. Yet, I consider myself to be a solid potential partner and, according to friends, an attractive one at that. Despite this, I can confidently say that I have received minimal attention from women throughout my life, and I have never been approached by one. My dating history is sparse, with a recent dry spell lasting nearly eight years, despite an expanding social circle and more interactions with women. Interestingly, during this time, I’ve noticed many women initiating contact and flirting with other men. This stark contrast between being a “great guy” and feeling “undesirable” is disheartening and resonates with many men’s experiences.

To illustrate my feelings, I’d like to share two incidents.

The first took place during my university years. I encountered a man who defied the typical attractiveness standards—short, overweight, and with a less than charming demeanor. Despite these traits, he had no trouble attracting women, frequently engaging with them on dating apps and in social settings. Although he later revealed his abusive nature, the fact that he could still find romantic success baffled me. At that time, I was working hard on improving myself and receiving positive feedback, yet I found myself completely overlooked.

A couple of years later, I went out with a female friend. During the night, an average-looking man entered the bar, and she quickly approached him, asking for his number, only to be turned down. However, her eagerness made it clear she found him appealing. Ironically, later that night, we ended up in my hotel room together, and it wasn’t until then that I realized she had any attraction toward me, which felt entirely out of the blue.

After some time, we discussed what women find attractive in men, and she expressed surprise that I was single, claiming I had great charisma and looks. Yet, her comments left me confused, as they didn’t match my experiences.

I don’t intend to suggest that all men should have women flocking to them, but it seems possible to possess admirable qualities yet still lack the elusive “it” factor. To summarize my thoughts: A) some men, regardless of traditional attractiveness criteria, appear to have an immediate appeal, and B) women often feel comfortable approaching these men while being more reserved with others they find appealing. While these observations stem from personal anecdotes, I believe many can relate.

I find this situation perplexing. Recently, I’ve been actively seeking connections but have had little success. It’s clear to me that I lack whatever “it” is, yet I can’t define what that might be or how to attain it.

Why do some men receive clear signs of attraction, and what can others do to change their fortunes?

You’re Not Alone in Feeling This Way

It’s true that this topic comes up frequently, and there’s a reason for that. Many men often misinterpret the signs of attraction, which can lead to misleading conclusions.

The first issue to address is the standard you’re using to gauge success in dating—specifically, the expectation that women should initiate conversations. This belief can be revealing, as it centers around a selective experience rather than recognizing the broader social dynamics at play.

Consider this: how many women actually approach men unprompted? Your examples highlight isolated incidents rather than a universal trend. These instances often involve women who find a specific individual attractive and are bold enough to make the first move.

Additionally, many women still feel societal pressure that discourages them from taking initiative. This social conditioning can make women hesitant to approach men for fear of being perceived as too aggressive or facing rejection. Just like men, women often experience anxiety about approaching someone they find attractive.

Moreover, the success of certain men isn’t due to universal charm; it’s about the right fit at the right time. They attract specific individuals who naturally gravitate toward them, often because they frequent places where their desired audience congregates.

To put it simply: if you want to attract a certain type of person, you must be where they are. This is crucial for increasing your chances of meeting someone who resonates with you.

Then there’s the stereotype that “jerks attract women,” which overlooks a key point: successful “bad boys” often excel at concealing their negative traits. Many may not be recognized as problematic in their social circles, allowing them to maintain an attractive facade.

It’s also essential to note that those who appear to have women approaching them aren’t passively waiting for attention. They often engage in sending signals—through eye contact, smiles, and gestures—to invite conversation, much like women do.

Lastly, what one might interpret as flirting could merely be casual conversation. Recognizing the nuances in interactions is vital; sometimes, conversations evolve into flirtation.

In conclusion: attraction isn’t solely about women making the first move. The men you observe may be actively participating in the dating scene and engaging with those around them. You’ve already experienced interest, as evidenced by your encounter with your friend. Yet, you dismiss this because it doesn’t conform to your expectations. Remember, attraction doesn’t always manifest in the ways we anticipate.

I encourage you to work on your self-image and confidence. The man you compared yourself to may have succeeded because of his self-assuredness, despite not fitting the traditional mold of attractiveness. You might be holding yourself to an unrealistic standard, which prevents you from recognizing genuine interest.

Ultimately, success in dating stems from actively engaging with the world around you and remaining open to various forms of connection. By immersing yourself in social situations and being more approachable, you’ll increase your chances of meeting those who are eager to connect with you as well.

Best of luck on your journey.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

Years ago, I formed a close connection with someone via text, but after ghosting him, I entered an abusive relationship that lasted nearly a decade. Now that I’m out, I reached out to him, but I fear I may have ruined my chances of friendship due to my emotional responses.

While I don’t know if we ever met in person, I’ve realized I may have invested too heavily in this connection. My pattern of getting close and then withdrawing could be a reflection of unresolved issues stemming from my past relationships.

I’ve expressed my feelings multiple times, but now I’m concerned I’ve scared him off. What might he be thinking now?

Moving Forward

It seems that your emotional responses have created a pattern that may hinder your connections. While it’s understandable to carry the scars of a past abusive relationship, it’s essential to recognize how those experiences shape your interactions.

The emotional fluctuations you experience—going from warmth to withdrawal—can make it challenging for others to engage with you. I recommend reflecting on these behaviors with a therapist to better understand their roots.

For now, it’s best to focus on living your life and not inundating him with messages. He has your contact information, and if he’s interested, he’ll reach out when he’s ready. Your well-being should come first, and by focusing on yourself, you’ll create space for healthier connections in the future.

Good luck on your journey of self-discovery and healing.