Admiration as a Pathway to Love: Unpacking Healthy Attraction
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Chapter 1: The Role of Admiration in Love
Today, I found myself engrossed in an episode of "Married At First Sight," a reality series where a panel of psychologists pairs individuals based on perceived compatibility. The goal is to help these participants break free from old habits and ultimately discover the love they have been yearning for.
One participant, who had struggled with emotional expression throughout his life, was making progress ten weeks into the experiment. At 51, he began to open up to his partner, who was incredibly supportive and patient, even as he occasionally pushed her away. As he gradually expressed his gratitude for her unwavering support during his vulnerable moments, one expert made a poignant observation:
“Admiration Is The Gateway To Love.”
This statement made me reflect on the significance of admiration in romantic relationships and whether it is often missing in unhealthy attractions.
Section 1.1: Understanding Admiration
According to the Oxford Dictionary, admiration is characterized by "respect and warm approval" toward someone or something. The relationship between admiration and love is complex, as love itself encompasses a wide array of feelings and choices.
I am reminded of Ken Page, a relationship therapist and author of "Deeper Dating." In his book, he outlines two types of attractions: attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration.
Attractions of deprivation arise from connections with individuals who are often referred to as “almost people.” These partners can be inconsistent and fail to provide the love and validation we seek, leaving us feeling deprived. This sense of lack drives us to pursue their approval, often at the expense of our true selves. Unfortunately, such dynamics do not foster feelings of worthiness or admiration and are usually accompanied by heightened anxiety and yearning, leading us to believe we are in love.
In contrast, attractions of inspiration are characterized by warmth and ease. In these relationships, as Page suggests, we are encouraged to embrace our partner's care rather than endlessly striving to earn it. These partners inspire us to improve ourselves, not from a place of low self-worth, but from the belief that we are inherently deserving of love.
It’s challenging to envision a scenario where admiration exists within attractions of deprivation. If someone is hesitant to commit, it is unlikely that they genuinely admire us; if they did, we would expect them to express their true feelings or make a commitment. Similarly, admiration for someone who treats us poorly becomes nearly impossible.
On the other hand, admiration undoubtedly plays a role in attractions of inspiration. Feeling inspired typically stems from recognizing and appreciating admirable qualities in someone else.
This first video, titled "What's the difference between the words 'love' and 'admiration'?", delves into the nuances between these two powerful emotions, providing insights that further illustrate the importance of admiration in fostering loving relationships.
Section 1.2: Idolization vs. True Admiration
It is crucial to differentiate between admiration and idolization, as the two can easily be conflated, particularly in unhealthy attractions. While admiration is rooted in genuine warmth and respect, idolization can lead to a distorted perception of a partner.
When we become overly infatuated, we may overlook red flags and exaggerate their positive traits, placing them on a pedestal. Such dynamics can prevent us from seeing our partners as they truly are, as emotional unavailability often creates barriers to intimacy. In these situations, we may suppress our authentic selves out of fear of rejection, leading to emotional stagnation.
If we paid closer attention to the warning signs, we would be compelled to stop idolizing and instead recognize our partner’s true self. Would we genuinely admire someone who mistreats us or avoids commitment? The likelihood seems slim.
As we heal from these tumultuous dynamics, we often realize that our admiration was misplaced, blind to the reality of who they were.
The second video, "EXTRAORDINARY LOVE: LOVING SELF," explores the significance of self-love and how it contributes to healthier relationships, reinforcing the idea that true admiration cannot exist in the absence of self-respect.
By the time we gain clarity, we often see that our admiration was for a crafted image rather than the person themselves. It’s no surprise that such dynamics rarely culminate in the secure emotional connections that foster love.
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