# A Humorous Take on Men Using Science to Invite You Over
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Chapter 1: The Return to Dating Apps
I must confess, despite my vocal criticisms of dating apps, I’ve found myself back in that digital realm. It all started when someone ghosted me—someone I was foolishly convinced wouldn’t do such a thing—prompting my return to these platforms as a way to show I was moving forward.
As the world felt like it was ending, I thought, why not continue chatting with these random guys while I search for my next binge-worthy Netflix show? Surprisingly, some of these interactions have been delightful. I've learned from a charming Australian about the right way to enjoy Vegemite and from a handsome surfer about butterfly milkweed. Others have felt reassuringly typical, featuring polite introductions followed by the acknowledgment that we might meet someday, assuming we survive the pandemic, murder hornets, and, of course, the locusts.
But the most entertaining chats have come from those men who confidently invite me over, citing “science” as their justification. (Dear God, if you’re listening, please grant me the unfounded self-assurance of these men on dating apps.)
I genuinely appreciate these guys; I haven’t laughed this hard since reading Steve Martin's essay "Side Effects" in The New Yorker—though I can’t reflect on that day too fondly, as I nearly choked on a handful of Junior Mints. A pro tip: avoid consuming candy by the handful while lying in bed with a magazine in one hand and resting your head on a flimsy pillow. It’s a recipe for disaster.
I also owe a debt of gratitude to my father, an organic chemist, for teaching me how science truly operates. His lessons have made these messages even more amusing. For anyone needing a refresher on the scientific method, here it is: First, you ponder something random—like why does beer become cloudy after sitting on the shelf for fifty years? Then, you formulate a theory or hypothesis, such as, could it be enzymes? You test this theory, and if you’re correct, you get to exclaim, “Eureka! Enzymes are the culprits!” If you’re wrong, you still get to strut around saying, “Well, enzymes aren’t to blame!” It’s all about the process, not just the conclusion.
However, the so-called “bro-scientists” on Tinder and Bumble have inverted this well-established scientific method. They begin with their conclusion (I should come over) and then delve into their hypothesis (perhaps this pandemic isn’t as dire as it seems?). In this scenario, I become the subject of their experiment. To put it another way: "Come over for a hook-up; it’s bound to be fine, and if not, we’ll just find out together—science!"
Naturally, like any scientific community, these gentlemen have differing views on why I should come over. In the spirit of fostering robust scientific debate, here’s a (non-exhaustive) list of these daring scholars.
Section 1.1: Chris
Chris boldly stated right away, “Hey, can we cuddle?” When I voiced concerns about the safety of this experiment, Chris assured me that “he doesn’t know anyone sick,” implying that “there probably aren’t many sick people.”
Keep an eye out for Chris’s groundbreaking research on whether ice caps are melting since he claims he doesn’t know any ice caps. A crucial study indeed.
Section 1.2: Mark
Mark identifies as a “scientist at a surf company.” When I probed him about what that entails, he simply clarified, “It’s what it sounds like.” Mark’s conclusion mirrored Chris’s but was phrased differently: “Wanna hang out tonight?” When I raised similar safety concerns, Mark declined to share his data and confidently replied, “I’m the scientist here.”
Look for Mark at the upcoming “What It Sounds Like” scientific conference in Albuquerque, where he’ll unveil his paper, “Because I Said So.”
Subsection 1.2.1: Rob
Rob, like Mark and Chris, also suggested I “come over tonight.” When I expressed familiar reservations about the safety of this experiment, Rob showcased his ongoing research by asking if I had received the flu shot. Upon my confirmation, Rob simply stated, “Same thing,” and sent over his address.
Watch for Rob’s forthcoming scientific paper, “Same Thing: Cancer and Allergies.”
As evident from the important contributions made by Chris, Mark, and Rob, we are indeed witnessing an exciting era in scientific exploration. One can only speculate about the groundbreaking findings that may arise from their endeavors.
Carpe noctem, gentlemen.
If you enjoyed this, you might also like:
- The Five Stages of Dating on Bumble While Over 40
- The Kübler-Ross Theory of Online Dating and Aging Out
Chapter 2: The Biggest Complaints Women Have About Men
Women often express various frustrations regarding their experiences with men on dating apps.
This insightful video by Matthew Hussey discusses common grievances that women encounter, offering a humorous yet enlightening perspective on the modern dating landscape.
Chapter 3: Finding Happiness Through Reflection
Arthur C. Brooks discusses the importance of happiness and self-reflection in this engaging talk.
He explores concepts such as reverse bucket lists and the impact of societal pressures on our happiness, encouraging viewers to reevaluate their priorities.