The Omnipresence of the Feel Good Factor

Why do we pursue self-esteem, both in ourselves and from others?

We often misinterpret the cause-and-effect relationship between self-esteem and success. Observing successful individuals with high self-esteem leads us to erroneously conclude that self-esteem is the key to their success. In reality, success stems from a multitude of factors, and we tend to oversimplify by attributing it to a single element.

The self-esteem movement has been distilled into a simplistic ideology of "feeling good about yourself." However, self-esteem is nuanced and can be both beneficial and detrimental, depending on how we measure it.

Healthy self-esteem should be intrinsic to the actions we take. For example, if I aspire to be a skilled writer but measure my worth solely by financial gain, I lose sight of what truly matters. By focusing on honing my craft, success and financial rewards will naturally follow, rather than chasing money as an end goal, which can lead to disappointment.

Conversely, toxic self-esteem relies heavily on external validation. I’ve observed individuals who appear cheerful one moment and suddenly become despondent after receiving criticism. Their self-worth hinges on others’ approval.

Relying on external validation poses a challenge. Improvement often requires enduring rejection and criticism. When I transitioned from a long career in sales to a strategic role, I felt inadequate in project management and analytical skills. This led me to seek help from colleagues, experiencing the discomfort of feeling like "the least knowledgeable person in the room."

Consequently, I enrolled in a data science program, which empowered me to engage confidently in discussions. Those who chase self-esteem as a final goal often retreat or halt their progress when faced with setbacks.

Understanding — The First Building Block

Certain behaviors can enhance self-worth, while others may deepen the struggle for self-esteem.

1. Acceptance: If someone struggles with social interactions, they can respond in three ways. Many people blame the world for their discomfort, while others lament their own shortcomings. Healthy self-esteem involves acknowledging reality and creating a self-improvement plan.
2. Conspiracy Thinking: Some individuals seek self-importance through paranoia, believing the world is out to get them. When this occurs, it's important to reflect on one's significance and what drives the need for constant attention. Often, it’s a fear-based reaction that can be transformed into empathy and understanding.
3. It's Okay Not to Be Okay: We all experience moments of failure. Self-pity often stems from guilt, which doesn't aid our progress but instead keeps us anchored in negativity. Practicing self-compassion can be healing; being overly critical of oneself only traps us in past mistakes. Remember, self-esteem is not merely a feeling; it's an actionable plan.
4. Embracing Imperfection: Recognizing that we are shaped not just by our strengths but also by our weaknesses is a sign of true self-esteem. This perspective fosters love, respect, and teamwork. Accepting that we don’t need to excel at everything is liberating.

If you encounter another Elizabeth Holmes, remember that her unwavering belief alone does not merit admiration. While belief is powerful, maintaining balance and objectivity is essential.