Anxiety-Induced Relapse

The first type, driven by anxiety, comes on rapidly and intensely. Regardless of the triggers, the onset of this relapse is almost instantaneous. I can sense the Black Dog approaching, and with it, my emotional state begins to fade, along with my energy and clarity.

Fortunately, this kind of episode is often brief. A little self-care and adequate rest can help me recover within 24 hours to a few days. It’s far from perfect, but I find a way to manage.

Initially, I believed I had addressed the root causes of my depression. By simplifying my life and eliminating distractions, I felt I had reached an understanding with the Black Dog—acknowledging his presence while he remained more manageable.

The first major depressive episode kept me from work for seven months. During that time, I felt safe like a ship anchored in a harbor, shielded from turbulent waters. But as my leave came to an end, anxiety about returning to work began to surface.

As John A. Sedd wisely stated, “A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” With my return, I faced the turbulent seas of anxiety, leading to multiple relapses. Each subsequent episode was easier to navigate, and I learned to keep my ship afloat without retreating to the harbor.

However, there came a moment when I felt as if I had dozed off at the helm. Upon awakening, I found myself lost in the darkest depths of the ocean, my compass spinning wildly. Panic set in as I feared running out of fuel, leading me to discard precious belongings in a desperate attempt to survive.

Depression-Driven Relapse

Once I managed to escape those stormy waters, I realized I was in the midst of a much graver relapse, one driven by neglecting self-care and falling back into harmful habits.

After my initial recovery, I grew complacent, mistakenly believing I had conquered my challenges with the Black Dog. I let my guard down, abandoning practices like meditation and CBT. I convinced myself I had enough tools to manage my depression, only to find myself ensnared in a more insidious relapse.

Unlike the abrupt anxiety relapses, this one crept up silently. It wasn’t until I noticed my behavior was erratic and desperate that I realized I was in trouble. I reached out to my doctor, sharing everything in a moment of clarity—like calling for help when lost at sea.

At present, I find myself back in the harbor, reflecting on the losses I incurred during my panic. My career was one casualty, but I have a plan for my professional future. Surprisingly, letting go of the remnants of my nursing career felt liberating.

However, my marriage also suffered during this tumultuous time. Like my career, our relationship had been strained, and I regret the way I handled things. In my moment of distress, I pushed my wife away, viewing my actions as protective, though they ultimately caused more harm.

Looking back, I recognize my pain clouded my judgment, leading to rash decisions. The thought of my family having to deal with my self-harm drove my choice to separate. Fortunately, I managed to reach a turning point before we completely parted ways, allowing me to express my desire to reconcile.

We engaged in a heartfelt discussion, and I took responsibility for my actions. I acknowledged the hurt I caused her and recognized that we both contributed to our struggles.

Moving forward, my focus is on healing and being a better husband and father. I’ve established a self-care schedule to ensure I prioritize my mental health and avoid drifting into dark waters again.

Self-Care Schedule

• Wake Up — Gratitude journal
• 8 AM — Breakfast
• 9 AM — Walk the dog
• 10 AM — Self-guided meditation/hypnosis
• 11 AM — Work through CBT books
• 12 PM — Lunch
• 3 PM — Kid’s time
• 4 PM — Writing time
• 5 PM — Dinner
• 6 PM — Time with my wife
• 8 PM — Kid’s bedtime
• 9 PM — Time for myself
• 10 PM — Gratitude journal / Sleep meditation

I am currently in the early days of strictly adhering to this routine and already feel a marked improvement. My wife has noticed a positive change in me, and I am hopeful for the future.

Lost in a Sea of Despair - This video explores the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness that can accompany severe depression.

Lost in a Sea of Despair? - This video offers insights and strategies for navigating through dark times in mental health.