Chapter 1: A Life Left Behind

Reflecting on my past, there are many aspects of the life I once led that I will never come to terms with. I’ve had to navigate through self-forgiveness for actions that haunt me, some of which I may never fully absolve myself of. These experiences are the very reasons I chose to break free from my old life. The sorrow and regret they evoke remind me of a person I no longer wish to be—a person shaped by addiction.

The woman I was faded away on July 1, 2023. It was a quiet departure, coinciding with a deep yearning for change. However, her shadow lingered through my initial sober months. I believe that my journey toward spirituality opened a dialogue with God, providing me with strength and guidance. I recognize that everyone's path is unique, but mine led me to seek divine support.

Tired of the chaos and turmoil that defined my existence, I realized I had chosen a life filled with stress and disorder. I prayed for guidance, and I felt it enveloping me. Everything around me seemed blurred and chaotic, a numbing routine that dulled our senses to the reality of our circumstances.

Fears of sobriety plagued me. I dreaded the thought of encountering my former self and wondered if my family could accept me without substances. I was uncertain about who I would be in sobriety; the thought was overwhelming.

Nevertheless, deep down, I sensed that I was on the verge of transformation. The fear of failure loomed large, bombarding me with a myriad of "what ifs." I remember sitting outside, tears streaming down my face, desperately seeking a sign of my strength to pursue sobriety.

To reclaim my life, I knew I needed to distance myself from my environment and the people who still embraced the darkness of addiction. I had unconsciously constructed a world that fed my illness, and fear accompanied my decision to break away from those I cared for deeply. Eventually, I learned that not everyone had my best interests at heart.

On some days, the journey felt manageable, especially when I focused on creative outlets. I rediscovered woodworking and painting, and I began documenting my path to sobriety through blogging, often shedding tears as I navigated the confusion. Despite the pain I had endured in life, walking away from addiction felt like an insurmountable battle.

What I couldn't see at the time was that, although I felt vulnerable, my inherent strength allowed me to cry, express anger, and confront my feelings without seeking help from strangers. I made a pact with God and myself to allow my emotions to surface while asking for the strength to face another day, resisting the pull of addiction.

Daily, I express gratitude for the guidance that has carried me through my 43 years. I often turned my back on God, blaming Him for my struggles and cursing His name. There were moments—around six or seven months into sobriety—when I felt utterly unworthy of love or forgiveness, even from my children.

As I approach a year free from addiction, I see profound changes within myself. The transformations I initially overlooked have created a ripple effect in my life. While it took time to detox, the thoughts of addiction will always linger. Yet, with each step forward, I uncover more about myself and the future I envision.

My aspiration is to help others, to teach, and to celebrate the beauty of existence. I yearn for a life devoid of chaos, allowing space for the goodness this world has to offer. Gradually, I am witnessing the shifts within me, leading to newfound self-respect and a different posture in life. I am embracing the person I am rediscovering beneath the chaos I once created.

As I navigate this journey, I understand there are more lessons ahead. I will encounter disappointment from misplaced trust and learn to recognize God’s guidance, even when my interpretation falters.

Life is a series of experiences, with each day bringing fresh opportunities for growth. This is the person I am learning to embrace. Yes, I am vastly different from the individual I was six months to a year ago. I aspire to be a role model for my daughters and grandchild—a person unafraid to grow and experience life sober.

Initially, I resisted tracking my sobriety, fearing it would impose unnecessary pressure to fail. I preferred to count moments spent with loved ones. I was genuinely surprised to realize I had achieved seven months of sobriety. I know that one day, I will reflect on my past as a distant memory, a testament that addiction does not define one's worth. This is my truth, and I hope it can guide someone else in their journey.

Soon, I will set new goals, confident that God’s love will guide me to greater places.

LOVING LIFE AND ALL THE LIFE WITHIN IT!!!!!!!

Chapter 2: The Path to Healing

Video Description: In "At the Podium," Kristen McGuiness shares her complex struggles with addiction and the intertwining chaos of her life choices.

Video Description: Kristen McGuiness reflects on her father's profound influence on her life and how his decisions shaped her understanding of love and self-worth.